Wednesday, February 04, 2009
so. this post is going to be really hard to write, because what im about to write is in my rawest, most genuinely naked state. writing this is going to leave me feeling extremely vunerable and exposed but i really need to write it because im really hoping my close friends will read it and maybe be kind enough to offer some help. i thought of putting a password to my blog so others who dont really know me wont be able to read it. but you know what, heck, im writing it anyways. you can judge me however you like, but i take comfort that you're not the judge thats created me and you're not going to be the Last judge.
really, behind my happy smiles and bimbotic moments, seemingly confident character (believe it or not) is a person (me) who is extremely competitive, highly insecure and is constantly comparing myself to people people people, nitpicking at every single perceived or unperceived flaw and trust me, it doesnt feel good. even with the constant reminder from my parents and from my quiet time and from messages that i've been listening to that its not "by right" but by grace, i still quietly worry, compare, then feel so freaking noob in comparison and think "no way, i cant" and its seriously annoying because it hinders me in whatever i do. i want to do this and do that but then i screech to a haltingly halt and say "impossible this is never going to happen" and the thing is i know its really impossible.
i have a wish.
and my life, i can almost say, revolves around this wish.
right now it seems like this wish is never going to come to pass.
and since my life kind of revolves around this wish i have no idea what im going to do if im not able to realize it.
i like to be in control.
i like to have security in tangible things.
but i realize that the older i get the more things spiral out of my control and there's nothing i can do about it. i keep repeating to myself "depend on God depend depend you dependant" but everyday im faced with new challenges and continue to remain fazed.
there is a few things i must have to be in a better position of fufiling this wish. (see im not even going to tell you my wish because im already thinking "im not going to make it")
these few things are extremely hard for me to get in and right now its really almost impossible.
its highly prestigious and im far from bein the top student but i still silently keep this wish in my heart.
and i look around me and get so freaking scared off by the brainy brainiacs who seem to be able to clock unearthly timings in races and win ten thousand scholarstic awards and is in student council and get 4.0 ++ GPA on top of that the president of ten other clubs.
they. are. all. around. me.
and im like some nooby noob not running for any leaderleader position cos i dont trust myself to be leader like seriously.
i know almost everyone else faces this. no big deal no big deal.
but to me its overwhelming. i dont know but i seriously think i cant make it cos of the competition but i really want to.
thats why i think i'll need a new place right now, one transitional year, then a complete shift.
okay i better come to a haltingly halt, im not supposed to be saying stuff like that but yeah. enough said.
at least i know God wont condemn me for anything.
-10:25 PM
fly high and free.
