Thursday, April 01, 2010
today I will confront the tumour in my heart that has been growing ever since one fateful incident. I will embark on the journey to tackle this monster head on for it has taken dominion over me for so many years, in so many different ways. It prevented me from living the life i was supposed to live, causing me to hurt people along the way.
I'm particularly sensitive about people talking about me, more so than the average person. I instantly react badly when I find out that someone has been talking about something that happened to me, or anything concerning me really, because I have gone through the worst of nightmares being the victim of malicious talk. Ive never confronted my problem directly, choosing instead to bury all my wounds under the carpet. Nobody knows how fearful I am of poison gossip, or how much I obssess about what has been said about me, if someone thinks I'm good enough for someone, if someone thinks I'm dividing friendships. I've become particularly adverse to anything said about me that would, in my opinion, trigger the same event 3 years ago. I've never spoken about my problem till now. But it's high time I did, because I want to tell this problem in the face: i've got Jesus now, and you have lost the battle.
I wasn't always like this. Once upon a time I was a girl who would readily love, readily trust, readily smile. But one horrific event happened and I hated that girl who was so trusting of others. I hated how that eagerness to love and trust now seemed so foolish and stupid, making me the most vulnerable creature to verbal attack. I would become permanently scarred, and when I was left alone, social events would play like a broken recorder in my head, rewinding the parts that I might have faltered, replaying them over and over again as I reprimanded and condemned instances in which I had let myself go a little carelessly, opened up a little too much. It was the ghosts of the past, coming back to haunt me, coming back to taunt me, whenever I was alone. Sometimes I would have a high propensity to use a razor blade to force the screaming voices out of my head, something I would regret immediately after. I would burn in my indignance against what was said about me, by somebody who does not give a shit. It has been awful. It's a constant struggle I find so difficult to untangle myself out of, until today's message struck in me like a burst of fresh living water, truly healing me, truly restoring me.
It's time to become the girl who readily trusted, readily loved, because Jesus loves her, and she knew it. Unknowingly, i've built a wall of defense as large as the great wall of china, uptight about people breaking my trust, so afraid to fall back into the place of disgrace and shame which has now become all too familiar. I've treated people unfairly because of the monsters that I was trying to fight on my own, and it's time to stop pretending nothing happened, apologise with grace, in grace, with Jesus being my teacher.
To the many people I've hurt in any way due to my impulsiveness, I am truly sorry. I hope that Jesus will mend your wound just as He mended mine. At the end of the day, we are brothers and sisters in Christ. We are to love one another, edify one another with our words, and grow in the knowledge of His grace. This is why we exist. This is why I need you and you need me, because we are the body of Christ. I am learning, as everyone else is, to be gracious in my ways and in my words. There is no need to be apprehensive or suspicious or overly paranoid- Jesus will guard my back. And that is all that one could ever ask for.
I will be sending out emails to those whom I think are deserving of an apology one by one. This is not an obligatory email- you are not obliged to forgive, rather it's for me to apologize so there is some form of closure, although I hope that you'll find it in your heart to forgive, because it adds peace to your heart. This is probably the most humble thing I've done in my life, so I hope that you wont be too critical of my move, my choice of words, whether or not I am sincere. Trust me this once, I truly mean it from the bottom of my heart, and I love you all.
It is Good Friday tomorrow, a timely reminder that because Jesus bore all the pain and diseases, we are now free to live, pain free; free to walk in His loving embrace, His loving kindness. He is the alpha and omega, the beginning and the end- He has the first word and the last word in every situation. Never again shall I fear, for perfect love casts out fear.
Jesus, my aleph tav.
-1:22 AM
fly high and free.
